She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
worst night to have a conscience
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
