she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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