I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
