I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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