I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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