Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
