I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
