saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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