I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
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I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
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Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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