What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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