lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
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Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
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I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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