ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
