I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
