fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
