A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
