Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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