Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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