She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
