we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
