Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
