I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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