My friends, they love my intelligence
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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