hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
they're like a gay fantastic four
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
