I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Randomize
