I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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