Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
