dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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