I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
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