Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
ttyl tear gas
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
