I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
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I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
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I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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