i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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