grandma shit on top of the toilet
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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