just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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