So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
