Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
