I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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