Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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