i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
