The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
