do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
