why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
