the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
