I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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