There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
