I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
