I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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