you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
