Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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