Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
