Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
