that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
