My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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