Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
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Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
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We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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