if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
