No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
